Surviving Infidelity Can Be Done

Learning about your spouse’s affair is one of the most life changing events you’ll ever have to cope with. The initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can bear.

Debbie found that the shock left her feeling completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn’t see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat and despair. She couldn’t visualize surviving the infidelity.

"After weeks of trying to come to terms with the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn’t get over the feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.

I really hated my husband, the ‘other’ woman and myself for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life on my own.

I felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found I just couldn’t move on without seeking help and learning that there was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"

Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor will it help you move forward.


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The first discussion will always be the most difficult one, when it’s so easy for things to get totally out of hand. If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared, rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into any form of rational discussion.

The cheated partner will want immediate answers to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They will want to know why they weren’t enough, was it the only one and will wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way consider trying to save the marriage.

Many people go to marriage counselors terrified, not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone else’s bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the foundation of any new relationship which evolves.

Most people do not have the skills to work through their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.

However, after the initial shock and once emotions have calmed down the most critical thing to do is to talk, listen and try and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward. Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner even consider any kind of forgiveness, but if initial contact is controlled, and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.

That is why spending time learning how to control your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner’s point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage.
It is during this stage that you will find out why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong and move on with their lives.

As with most marital issues communication and understanding is critical to surviving infidelity.

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Marriage Saving Advice Have A Soul Connection

Many of us realize that marriage is not the easiest relationship in the world, but why is it so hard? Unless we adopt children, the only relatives that we get to choose are our spouses. Seems like it should work out, right? We can not change our parents or choose new siblings, but marriage-- ahh that's a whole different thing.

Marriage brings out the best and the worst in a person's character and shows us what we are capable of doing, both positive and negative. This special relationship challenges our mental, spiritual, social, and physical selves. Unfortunately, the natural human reaction to hard or stressful situations is fight or flight.

So after a few major disagreements with a spouse, frustrated partners second guess their initial decision to wed. The wheels start turning, and the flight response to the stressful situation becomes more and more attractive.

But what can you do if the fires of passion have burned out and only angry ones remain? How can you keep your soul connection with your spouse even during times of conflict?

1. Have confidence in the decision that you have made. Then realize that just like you wouldn't normally divorce your mom or dad when they get on your last nerve, divorcing your spouse shouldn't be the first thing that comes to mind when he/she annoys or disappoints you you repeatedly. I know it's hard, but it's a key factor in the success of your marriage.

2. If God is not at the center of your relationship, consider welcoming Him into the situation. To start, only one spouse needs to make this decision, but it's best if both of you are on the same page. Praying together, and as individuals, can provide a solid foundation for your marriage and give you greater insight into what concerns your partner the most.

You can start with your own words or with a few books on prayer. A book that has been helpful for me, and numerous people I know, has been, Stormie Omartian: Power of a Praying Wife. The book covers everything from finances and career to sexuality, affection and emotions. It shows wives how to pray for their husbands even if they feel like they don't have the words. And it gives excellent advice for channeling frustration, hurt or anger into productive energy.

If you are a husband, try Power of a Praying Husband. Stormie enlists the help of her husband and other men for insight and wisdom in writing this book.

3. Make mutual respect a priority in your communication. If you find yourselves attacking each other personally, instead of discussing the pros and cons of a particular decision or action, then take a step back to reevaluate the situation. Choose words that reaffirm while getting your point across. For example, instead of saying: "I hate it when you don't make time to be with me... the kids... etc." TRY "Remember when we did XYZ? That was so much fun and the kids loved it too. Want to do it again?" SPOUSE'S REPLY HERE "Great! What date works for you?"

Additionally, don't let other family members--kids, in-laws, steps, exes cloud your communication with each other. When they want to butt in, *respectfully* tell them to butt out. Then re-prioritize and refocus your attention on each other.

4. Listen even if you feel like you've heard the same statement hashed over and over again. Sometimes venting is necessary, and if your spouse can't release his/her mental baggage with you, to whom will they voice their concerns? The lack of listening skills in marriage is one reason emotional infidelity gets started in the first place. If you take the time to listen now, you can avoid the headaches and heartaches associated with these extramarital relationships.

5. Start a ritual just for the two of you. Ideally, you'll both take time out to do it every day or a few times a week. Engaging in ritual behavior, like sharing coffee, watching funny movies together or taking walks, gives you something to look forward to and can help you build intimacy.

6. Consider an organized marriage retreat. Retreats are great because, the facilitators give couples helpful tools for communicating, relating and often mating. You'll see other couples who are going through the same challenges, and you'll have time to focus solely on your relationship. No work, no kids/in-laws, no well-meaning friends, and no focusing on the ills of life.

7. Finally, make a point to get away every once in a while. This idea dovetails from the previous suggestion, but this time you and your honey will be alone. Whether you get your kids out of the house for a weekend or you book a seven day vacation to the Bahamas, it is necessary for you and your husband or wife to have extended alone time without any distractions.

These are just a few suggestions to help you renew the soul connection with your spouse. When http://married4good.com/ officially launches in November, we'll have tons of articles and resources on the site to help you build a solid relationship. Make sure to visit us and get additional ideas for strengthening your marriage.

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Can a Marriage Survive Infidelity?

There are marriages and there are marriages. You can expect/demand the sun, moon and the stars or almost nothing. It's a question of personality and perspective. But there is no doubt that the most important thing in a marriage, as in any other relationship, is honesty and real understanding.

In a marriage of the kind we all yearn to have, fidelity is vital. It implies a commitment that's total and complete. You seek the closest intimacy possible from no one else, so sufficient is the love you receive. What could be more reassuring, more meaningful? But a relationship that intense, comes with a price tag.

And infidelity in a relationship based on such love can be shattering. Nothing can fix that first fine careless rupture. Trust is ruptured forever. It's a betrayal that leaves you feeling painfully inadequate.

You look back through the prism of time and realize how wonderfully didactic you were in your youth! At 25, black and white could never co-exist. But then, life happens. And you realize that grey exists, and it is often a zone that needs far more maturity and understanding to inhabit than you ever dreamt.

When you've been married nearly 27 years, the first lesson you learn is that marriage is a relationship which, like human beings themselves, is constantly morphing and evolving. It's an equation where the variables change the answers constantly. People sometimes lead married lives together with infidelity between them. Children, autumn love, companionship allow such relationships to survive.

But at the end of the day, it's really what you want from your marriage and partner. You can survive infidelity (don't we survive everything?), but that's the right word, isn't it? Survive. If you want more, you have to sacrifice something. That my friend, is the nature of the beast.

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How To Save A Marriage After Infidelity

After few years of marriage some conflicts between the couples may arise and married life may become stressful. How will you come to know that your marriage is in crisis? There are some reasons responsible for disturbed married life such as alcohol abuse, difficulty with children, financial problems, a situation when both the partners are unfaithful, major life changes and problems with fertility.

The marital relationships may be affected by the broken trust, boredom, infidelity, poor communication, lack of appreciation, addictive behavior, emotional abuse, absence of sex and no affection. When the marriage is in trouble, you should try to find out the solutions of how to save a marriage.

When you realize that something is wrong with your married life, don't just think how to save a marriage, but immediately look for the solution. You try to find out the problems and adopt some qualities to save your marriage and to stop the divorce. There are always some hopes and ways to resolve the problems your marriage. The conflicts in married life may be due to ego or some misunderstandings.

Hence, to maintain healthy relationships, you should give up ego and should take an initiative to resolve the problems in your married life. Self-assessment is a very important step to save your marriage. You should be able to think about your mistakes and develop an improvement in your behavior. Avoid doing those things that can hurt your partner.

There are some beneficial options for the problem of how to save a marriage. If you want to be a good partner, you should have a capacity to listen to your partner and understand him/her. You should be able to keep calm and talk through the problem. When your partner is talking with you, you should ask the related questions and clarify all doubts.    Good communication is a very important factor for developing the healthy relationships. You should share all problems and feelings with your partner. The most important thing is that you should fully trust your partner and never be jealous about his/her personal and professional progress.

Your approach towards your relationships and married life should be positive. Whenever there are some problems or bitterness, remember the happy moments that you had spent together and try to reignite these moments. When there are some problems, don't get disturbed or panic, just stay calm. Whenever you lose your temper during the arguments, you generally tend to say and do the things that you actually didn't mean.

One of the best ways to save a marriage is to create long-term plans with your partner. Make some plans to spend the vacations at good picnic spot. Some future plans that are made together may help to increase the intimacy. It will assure that your partner is always there for you.

Your overall personality and hygiene also have great impact on your married life. Hence, try to be always presentable that your partner likes and adopt hygienic habits. How to save a Marriage should not be a problematic issue at all.

Try some of above solutions and make your married life hassle-free and pleasant one.

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Counseling To Save A Marriage After Infidelity

Marriage counseling is a form of therapy applied for conflict resolution which is generally carried out by the trained psychotherapist. Save marriage counseling is helpful to resolve the conflicts, improve the relationship and reconstruct your marriage. The counselor may not solve the problems in your marriage, but will help you to solve them yourself. It helps to make your marriage bond strong and keep your relationships alive. It plays a significant role in preventing the divorce and to maintain healthy relationships.

The science of marriage counseling is studied in detail and shows long-lasting positive effects. A good marriage counselor helps the couples to avoid several emotional landmines and control the damage. A successful counselor has a balanced and mature state of mind and disposition.

If you are looking for a good marriage counselor, then you should have some information about the counselor such as whether the first assessment session is free, whether you have to pay after every session, whether the session is suitable for your work schedule as well as information about the duration of each session, qualification of the counselor.

It is considered as every marriage goes through times of contention and times of stress. Any of these reasons may need to seek marriage counseling. Some other reasons that require save marriage counseling are problems with substance or alcohol abuse, difficulty with children, financial problems, a situation when both the partners are unfaithful, major life changes and problems with fertility.  

The marital relationships may be affected by broken trust, boredom, infidelity, poor communication, lack of appreciation, addictive behavior, emotional abuse, absence of sex and no affection. When the marriage is in trouble, the couples first try to solve the problem among them or seek advice from the friends or family. If it does not work, then they go for save marriage counseling.

Both the partners should be willing to attend the counseling which offers a tool to improve their relationships. The couples should openly discuss about their marriage problems to get an appropriate solution. They can resolve the conflicts with kindness and sympathy. Save marriage counseling can help the couples to improve their communication skills.

One of the most significant activities including in the marriage counseling is open, honest and blunt communication. In the office of marriage counselor, the couples can reveal their feelings.

Save marriage counseling may help to uncover some other problems or issues and understand the troubles of couple. The wife may be depressed or husband may have the problems with anxiety. Since counseling does not attempt to resolve the issues like depression or anxiety, it can uncover these issues and helps to seek the treatment for them.

It can also help to identify the differences between the couples and manage with them. It offers a good opportunity to the couples to share their feelings and helps to clear all misunderstandings.

The effects of save marriage counseling are found to be wonderful. After seeking this counseling, many couples have been successful in resolving conflicts in their married life and have got back to a happy married life.

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